Yesterday I had decided that I was far too sad to continue training with Sifu’s other students. I was feeling discouraged and a bit unwelcome. This evening a woman from the class reached out to me via email. She used to have Lupus, and Sifu had given her exercises. She worked very hard, and was able to beat it. She said she would teach me, so I decided to give class another try.
What she taught me was essentially some breathing and meditation exercises. Afterwards, I noticed some of my old neurological symptoms reappearing. I sometimes forget that those are there. I’ve gotten so good at avoiding triggers that I feel surprised and discouraged to be reminded that something is still very wrong. It’s a blessing, really, to be able to forget. Many of us know what it’s like to not be able to forget that you’re sick, even for a second. For me, it’s almost as though I live in denial. Then occasionally, something will set me off, and a crippling frustration will bubble to the surface, as I become conscious of how carefully I go about my life, as to not trigger any problems.
I am still going to see Sifu’s other student, who split from the class. I have an appointment for Wednesday. I think I will try to keep going to his regular class as well. The woman from class said I could meet with her outside of class to discuss my health. I will likely take her up on this in the next week or so.
At first I wondered why Sifu had not taught me this practice of Qi Kung, that he taught to the student with Lupus. To be honest, I think he was afraid. I became so sick while training with him, and Kung Fu was clearly the thing that tipped it off. He did not understand what was happening, and why tai chi was so difficult for me in my condition. Perhaps he didn’t know if he could do more harm than good if he pushed me in the wrong direction.
This is a long and exhausting path, as most of you know. I suppose you just keep marching on, thankful for each new opportunity to progress.